Posts Tagged ‘Contributions’
Hey people! Happy New Year to you all, Hope you’re having an awesome new year, Subsidy aside.
Today, I have a post written by my friend and colleague; Joey @Joe4jah
I just had to put this into writing, perhaps one bold man (I’m not a sexist, with all due apologies to the XX species) — Cos only men have these kinda balls (just 4, including the eyeballs) — will get inspired enough to buy into my idea and who knows? It just might be the future!
Watching all sorts of documentaries while growing up, I couldn’t ignore this about the Chinese and the Japs. Those dudes live long I must confess, that is if they survive the urge to commit suicide. Ignore the noodles, let’s face the bicycles.
I’ve always been saying to my friends that we need to adopt that “bicycle society” thingy but they scoffed at me asking if I would like to RIDE a bicycle to work while others DRIVE cars. But now, we have to revisit this issue with the increase in fuel price due to the removal of subsidy which some claimed never even existed… that’s talk for another day (not meant literally though).
The importance of bicycles to the Nigerian society cannot be over-emphasized and I’m just gonna share them with you in case you’ve never really thought about it before.
1 Bicycles are cheap! And guess what, they do the same job of transportation. The money you would use in buying a car would buy a dozen bikes. Common, sell that car and make every member of your family a proud bike owner and if you’ve got no family member, a lil extra cash on your hands to fund your other non-fuel related vanities.
2 Kneel down to thank me if I give you a bicycle for your wedding gift (2 would be appropriate cos you’re a couple right?). If I give you a car, I’d be ruining your marriage a little too early cos that’s gonna be your “kalokalo”. What would it cost you to maintain a bicycle? Engine oil I guess… just to make sure u ride without friction (I’m sure a dirty mind is saying SEXUAL already *smh*). But to maintain a car? I don’t have one, no one in my house does (fuel-subsidy-removal-induced courage) but I have friends that do and I hear words on the streets. Fuel is just but a part of the maintenance albeit a very important one. Long and short of the story: TO HELL WITH FUEL (Oops! We don’t want that, do we? Talk about shooting yourself in the leg).
3 I can bet the battery of my laptop (it’s spoilt FYI) that you know someone or someone that knows someone that is suffering from hypertensive heart disease. Heart diseases and stroke usually originate from hypertensive heart disease too before you say na only stroke full ur family. Imagine living in Ikeja while working in Yaba. Cycling to and from work everyday will keep you healthy for real. You’ll burn off the excess calories in your body, you’ll reduce your blood cholesterol level and ladies always wanting to be in shape cos of the high level of P setting in town (you gotta keep ur man, hoes girls ain’t smiling) will have just the perfect medium to do that. Cycling will increase the life expectancy in Nigeria cos hypertensive heart disease is a major killer no thanks to junk food courtesy of the likes of KFC (I know they just came but they’re spreading like the plague dammit!).
4 For those of you that feel you’ve really not done anything to help mother earth. Here is a chance to feel relevant. It’s still bicycle o. But think of the fact that you won’t be burning hydrocarbon fuels anymore. Think of the fact that you won’t be releasing green house gases. Think of your impact in salvaging the ozone layer and the fact that your children will reduce or maybe eradicate the curses they’ll place on this generation for doing so much damage to the ozone layer. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Get a bike TODAY!
5 The view! Oh my! The views I meant! My dear brethren, it is with gladness of heart I announce to you…*drums rolling*… the breath-taking, asthma-inducing, early morning booties! Yeah u read well… BOOTIES! Asses if you like. You’re gonna be blessed with some gracious views of them asses on the bike as u ride behind them (again, NOT SEXUAL). Morning is better cos they would have put in a lot to look their best (ladies I know y’all look in the mirror to confirm if that ass is gonna kill). Coming back from work, it ain’t gonna be looking so fresh anymore + you’ll be too tired to appreciate the goodness therein… except for some horny bastids of course.
6 P setting! P setting toh quality! When stuck in a little bike traffic and the babe beside you looks like it, go for it soldier! Ride by her side and set that P. You’ll be amazed at how many peeps you’d meet on the road while receiving the early morning fresh air. Bliss… that’s what it sounds like to me.
I’ m sure y’all get the crux of the matter. We don’t need fuel that much. We can cut down on that “golden fluid” and tell those idiats to stick their own pee sticks up their own asses we are survivors. *in Abacha’s voice*So fellow Nigerians, let the cycling begin!
I want to thank my colleagues @Dhamyhan 4 his wise contributions & @Kemmiiii for hosting me on her webspace. I look forward to more collabos (yet not sexual).
What do you think?
BTW, Don’t forget to subscribe
Hope y’all had a happy holiday cuz I didn’t. While Everyone was going Xmas, I was going Xams :(.
I know…I know…
I said I won’t tweet/blog. I lied.
Today I have @Mhorghan. My senior from high school. He sent me this lovely post a while ago but I was too lazy to edit. I’m sure that is why he sent this awesome post to Yemi’s Window. Check it out.
Howdy babes…and goons sha. Hehehe… would just prefer to greet the babes. If you are reading this then someone agreed to feature me (I don’t want my own blog).
First time o! clap for me! Usually, I have a lot on my mind…some massive stream of thoughts and I usually let myself sink into it #inceptionstyle.
Should be reading right now but there’s a huge indication I would just sleep of…Tales of a stressed out Unilag dude.
This feature has nothing to do with sex, gals or anything that may interest your already perverted minds..urmm..unless your mind has drifted here a couple of times…am talking religion!*wait!!!don’t close the tab na! haba! calm down!..thank you, let’s move on.
I’m late for class one bright morning and Evil Dash(I can’t use real names o! my G.P is important to me abeg) as already started rambling on about signals and fourier series
*sidenote: the course is an elective o! dunno why I am forming bad guy and offering it..
Well, Im a bad guy sha not many people would dispute my claim*adjusts nerd glasses*…the class is turning out to be interesting…lots of equations on the board my medulla and gray matter are trying to comprehend and my stomach is sending some analog signals with mad intensity (signals to storm Nasky’s room for food!)* Damn! Im digressing too much, Im new at this!
And suddenly *ghen!ghen!*…Evil Dash starts talking about Indiana Jones: crystal skull in details**if you haven’t watched this movie, you should be wear a badge with LAST in bold for the next seven days**.. You can’t imagine my surprise..I thought all this man did was read some boring computer books and check the spreadsheet to see whose G.P to drain (you can’t blame me: I have gotten my lowest grades in his course..hope to ace this one sha..God willing..*adjusts halo*)
Dash begins to dispute the creation story..
According to him, courtesy of a couple of books he read, names that I can’t remember right now; like 5000 years ago..a special race of humans existed..more like aliens..whose ecosystem thrived on gold..they discovered huge reservoirs of gold in South Africa but they felt too sophisticated to undergo the mining process by themselves so they created human beings to mine the gold for them…and guess how they created humans! ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION!…Yeah 5000yrs ago, these ‘aliens’ knew all about the scientific discoveries we are screaming about now…DNA structure and all…the process is even engraved in some ancient stones as carvings…historical proof to this new claim.
The only difference between humans and these creators was that we couldn’t live forever (very smart of them by the way)…anyways, our so called creators got the gold they wanted and left us to govern ourselves…they would be back depending on the outcome of world war three to either wipe out the human race or just govern us again. At this point, I can see the pastors in my class, couple of seats away from me, fuming in anger..
BLASPHEMY! NONSENSE!! TABOOO!!!
They probably can’t believe their ears.
How can heaven and hell be a fable?
How can one doubt the creation story?..hian!
Im just fascinated by this new train of thoughts…
Before you pass judgement, I am a Christian by birth then by choice, BUT what if I was born into a muslim home to Alhaji & Alhaja Mukaila Sanusi , a wealthy gold merchant:D…I would also believe Islam is the only way to paradise and 49 virgins:D (how many virgins?correct me please) and I would probably be looking at my Christian friends and thinking dulling people, eyah..so you are going to burn in hell!.. Religion has a loop hole! Somehow, somewhere that’s where faith comes in I guess.
Every religion believes in a sovereign power, one messenger of that sovereign power that came to earth, teaches a reward for good and bad and lays claim to it being the only way!
EVERY RELIGION.. Buddhism, Islam, Harikishna (how is this spelt sef?) , graile message…and the stories are very similar (I’ve read a lot of books)..this to me, from a scientific point of view is a huge loop hole! Nobody likes to touch this subject, people are very sensitive about religion. My uncle would get in a rage of anger if he reads this and most likely question my faith, but hey, what about science?…space crafts, aliens ,some other ecosystems existing somewhere else without our knowledge that could be true too…I am not trying to question anyone’s belief or change it..
Just random ramblings inspired by 2hours lecture.
Have I bloggled?? (hehe…boggled not bloggled) your mind?…
Google this Annunaki, Hopi Indian prophesies.
DISCLAIMER: I am a Christian o! Don’t dull! I am not a saint sha..I love God and the daughters of Eve.
*wears nerd glasses and strolls into the library*
There you have it. So what do you think?
Another one from Banji;
I remember my very first experience with the black hole
My feet trembled as I hastily put on my rubber to ease the flow.
I’m all in the groove ready to strip the new catch of its innocence
lying helplessly and waiting for me
I slid in calmly to avoid hurting either of us.
the pain soon permeates as I keep thrusting my feet
Eventually I had to give in releasing my catch of my hold cos we just did fit.
An experience with a new shoe.
Hey People. You’re Welcome Back. You know the letterDear Future Husband I wrote to My future Husband eh? Well….I got a few responses from jonzing future husbands. I selected just 2 to show you guys. One from Famzing naija dog and the other; an anonymous jonzer.
Today, I bring you Famzing Naija Dog….
Good Morning. @OluwaWanaBaba here. If you know me, Sup? If you don’t, go and buy bread at http://playbookutunu.wordpress.com and come back. Kemi dearie, thanks for the advert space. Moving on.
In case, you do not know by now (some people are actually slower than the cross-breed of a snail and a tortoise), Kemi is my future wife. I saw her letter, and as a good future husband decided to reply.
“By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy. If you get a bad wife, you’ll become a philosopher.” Wana’s room,
Awesome Grace Villa,
Kemi. Pardon me for calling you by your name straight, and not using all the sweet names like “honeypie” and “sugarpoop”. You know you are the Queen of my Heart, the only boxers in my cupboard, the only Oracle in my Twitter. But that doesn’t mean I will call you names like “honeypie”. Life is too short for Iranu. The highest I can call you is ‘dear’, and that will be when I’m in a good mood, like after I’ve eaten 7 wraps of Amala.
I got your letter last night. I have to say, I was impressed with what I read. You really are a smart, beautiful girl, and I’m proud to be your future husband.
I was not chyking any girl o! I was having practicals on the mammary glands with a female classmate when your letter came in. I want to be a doctor. To hell with the National Cake. Let us not soil our hands with something so evil. I have a desire to save lives which is why I want to be a doctor, and earn more than enough money for us to be comfortable.
I have read your rules, and I am not entirely happy with them. To prevent future throwing of fists, let me send you a revised edition of your rules that suit us both.
1. I totally agree with rule number 1. We shall obey God everywhere. Every time. In every different way. I doubt you’ll be able to obey God as vigorously as I can, so I’ll need ‘prayer partners’. They will be Nkechi, my secretary and our 3 maids.
2. 8 children? Sextuplets? Then twins? Do you have a death wish? This, I do not agree with. Unless you’ve found a way to develop 2 extra pairs of breasts, that’s a No. We’re having a maximum of 4 children, and that’s it. Imagine if the 8 children inherit my troublesome behavior? You’ll just end up booking a permanent reservation at 8, Harvey Road, Yaba.
I will never ever change diapers. No matter what you’re doing, once the baby cries, attend to it. I may help make food once in an extremely dark blue moon, but that’s all the help you’ll get from me. You and the other maids can do the rest.
3. Cooking is not an issue. I’m a good cook. A very wonderful cook sef. If you see me prepare Bread and Butter, you would be amazed. I am also an expert in making Boiled Eggs, so no need to worry. Hunger will never finish our children.
4. I know they have their disadvantages, but we have to house-helps. Plenty of them. I don’t want you to work yourself to death, as washing 7 Maybach-Benzes and 3 Rolls-Royce Phantoms every morning will kill you. Trust me. Na ordinary Toyota Camry I dey wash for here every morning wey my Humerus don almost commot my Gleno-Humeral joint.
We will have 3 hired helps, and their names shall be Ekaette, Enobong and Iniobong. They shall each have their own rooms and their payment and every other situation related to their welfare shall be handled by me.
5. I’m totally with you on Date Nights. It’s a chance to show you off to the world and make all the other men jealous of the gorgeous beauty on my arm, so yes I’m with it.
Our actual first date? It’s gonna be wonderful. It’s gonna be fantastic… There’s this new Cholera Joint opposite my crib… Their Bread & Beans is orgasmically delicious…
6. Yeah, I’ve wondered how the proposal is gonna be… I’m so romantic and I have so many ideas in mind… Lemme give you one example…
Me: Kemi, where are you?
You: In the toilet!
Me: Is your shit hard?
You: *grunts* Uuuuurrggghh
Me: Will you marry me?
Me: *pops champagne*
Wasn’t that so romantic?
7. I like the idea that we should have our own song. That one song that would set us in the mood and make us remember why we fell in love in the first place. There are a lot of songs running through my mind right now…
What do you think of “Dadubule” by Scally? The lyrics are so emotional and filled with love, and they make me so happy when I hear them…
“Meji l’oyan, okan l’oko… Meji l’epon, okan l’oko…”
“Abi iwo bricklayer one time to lon r’ebo r’ebo…”
“Baby je ki n bi sinu obo”
*sighs* So romantic…
Another romantic song on my mind is M.I.’s Somebody Wants To Die… The title alone reeks of love…
8. Discipline: I too, am not in favour of beating children. It’s a very barbaric and destructive practice, and I’m in favor of more constructive punishments.
‘Stand in the corner’ is not a punishment. When I say punishments, I mean punishments like ‘The Transporter’. Let me explain it to you.
We put a 50L drum full of water at the front gate, and an empty one in the back-yard. The child to be punished is then handed a fork, with which he must transfer the water from the drum with water to the empty one.
Trust me, Spending 19 hours walking in a straight line without food or water or any break will cure every bad habit in that child.
I really admire that you took your time to write that lovely letter to me. I have exchanged it for N30 akara, which I ate with Ijebu garri and groundnut, so that it may be forever etched in my memory…
Till we meet,
I Def won’t marry a Doctor.
Wana you’re jonzing
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If I had known the tragedy that was about to happen at home that night, I would have spent the night at Tracy’s after the party but I wasn’t exactly psychic so even though she begged and my mom allowed me to stay, I still insisted on going home. Basically because I was waiting for that call from Benjamin, he had promised to call that night and I wasn’t going to miss it. Besides, all I would have to do at Tracy’s was clean up after the party and I wasn’t interested. I explained to Tracy about Benjamin and being the boy freak that she was, she was only too happy to let me go, of course only after I promised her she’d hear the entire story the next day.
The journey back home was uneventful, there was a bit of tension between my parents but there was always tension between them, since as far back as I could remember. I used to wonder why they still stayed together. It made no sense to me but who was I to say anything? I was a stupid 13 year old, “I wasn’t wise enough”, my mum had told me many times, so I just shut up. At least this night, they were quiet and they weren’t shouting at each other so I wasn’t alarmed….. In fact, I was happy, and Benjamin was going to call, I was ecstatic. I couldn’t wait to get home. I kept hoping we wouldn’t get home too late and miss his call.
Immediately we got home, I grabbed my things from the car,jumped out and ran upstairs to my room. I changed into my pajamas and washed my face. I couldn’t risk having a bath and missing his call. So, I sat at my table and waited for the phone to ring.
The first sound wasn’t too loud but I knew they were arguing again. Aarrgghh ….
I heard someone go down the stairs, my dad… he was always the first to leave the room when they started. I knew what would come next and the exact time it would start: “do not walk out on me”,she’ll say, and the sound of her tiny feet running down the flight of stairs. The shouting would start now.
“Why do you want trouble tonight?”
“I don’t want trouble, Frank, I just want to know why you were looking at that slut like that at the party and embarrassing me in front of your whole family”
“She isn’t a slut, Folake”
“Oh, so now you’re even defending her. Shameless idiot,Agbaya. I should have listened to my mother when she told me not to marry a good-for-nothing Igbo man but no, I insisted on love and what did I get, a shameless husband who sleeps with everything in sk…”
The crack of a well delivered slap followed.
Aha! This was going to be a fight proper tonight sha. She’d sleep in the guestroom and wake up with big black eyes and threaten to leave him but she won’t and next week, this would happen again.
I heard my mother throw something; the flower vase on the center table, at him. Despairingly I made for the stairs . I saw him dash towards her. I closed my eyes. I knew what would follow. Even now, I can still recite the sequence. He’d grab her hair, she’d scream, he’d punch her, twice and she’d curse him and then he’d release her, throwing her off balance, and he’d walk away, usually past me on the stairs and she’d scream curses after him… and I’d go and help her fix herself… but it didn’t happen that way that night…
Well It did, partially, up to the point where he released her. I heard her scream, but it wasn’t a curse and it was followed by silence… My eyes flew open. Something was wrong. My mother was never quiet after a beating. My eyes scanned the sitting room and there she was, on the floor… her head was against the wall, my father was beside her, holding her hand, looking into her eyes. I flew down the stairs. I was already in tears. I ran to them. I held her other hand, tried to feel for a pulse, something, anything.
“Daddy, she’s not moving!!!” I wailed.
Why wasn’t he doing anything? He was a doctor, he knew what to do. He didn’t move his eyes from her face. It was as if he was scared to face me. I knew what that meant; I wasn’t such a stupid 13 year old after all.
“Oh my God, she’s dead, daddy. You killed her. How do you feel now? ” I screamed at him.
I grabbed his shirt over her lifeless body and I shook him. I had no idea where the strength and boldness came from. I just shook him.
He still didn’t look up.
I left him and I continued wailing.
I held my mother’s lifeless body and wailed.
I heard the phone in my room ring. I looked behind me at the wall clock. It was 10:30.
Benjamin was calling but I didn’t care.
I couldn’t move.
My father had just killed my mother.
Im sure you enjoyed it…Please share your thoughts in the comment box.