Kemmiiii's Blog

Hey people! Happy New Year to you all, Hope you’re having an awesome new year, Subsidy aside.

Today, I have a post written by my friend and colleague; Joey @Joe4jah

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I just had to put this into writing, perhaps one bold man (I’m not a sexist, with all due apologies to the XX species) — Cos only men have these kinda balls (just 4, including the eyeballs) — will get inspired enough to buy into my idea and who knows? It just might be the future!

Watching all sorts of documentaries while growing up, I couldn’t ignore this about the Chinese and the Japs. Those dudes live long I must confess, that is if they survive the urge to commit suicide. Ignore the noodles, let’s face the bicycles.

I’ve always been saying to my friends that we need to adopt that “bicycle society” thingy but they scoffed at me asking if I would like to RIDE a bicycle to work while others DRIVE cars. But now, we have to revisit this issue with the increase in fuel price due to the removal of subsidy which some claimed never even existed…  that’s talk for another day (not meant literally though).

The importance of bicycles to the Nigerian society cannot be over-emphasized and I’m just gonna share them with you in case you’ve never really thought about it before.

1          Bicycles are cheap! And guess what, they do the same job of transportation. The money you would use in buying a car would buy a dozen bikes.  Common, sell that car and make every member of your family a proud bike owner and if you’ve got no family member, a lil extra cash on your hands to fund your other non-fuel related vanities.

2          Kneel down to thank me if I give you a bicycle for your wedding gift (2 would be appropriate cos you’re a couple right?). If I give you a car, I’d be ruining your marriage a little too early cos that’s gonna be your “kalokalo”. What would it cost you to maintain a bicycle? Engine oil I guess… just to make sure u ride without friction (I’m sure a dirty mind is saying SEXUAL already *smh*). But to maintain a car? I don’t have one, no one in my house does (fuel-subsidy-removal-induced courage) but I have friends that do and I hear words on the streets. Fuel is just but a part of the maintenance albeit a very important one. Long and short of the story: TO HELL WITH FUEL (Oops! We don’t want that, do we? Talk about shooting yourself in the leg).

3          I can bet the battery of my laptop (it’s spoilt FYI) that you know someone or someone that knows someone that is suffering from hypertensive heart disease. Heart diseases and stroke usually originate from hypertensive heart disease too before you say na only stroke full ur family. Imagine living in Ikeja while working in Yaba. Cycling to and from work everyday will keep you healthy for real. You’ll burn off the excess calories in your body, you’ll reduce your blood cholesterol level and ladies always wanting to be in shape cos of the high level of P setting in town (you gotta keep ur man, hoes girls ain’t smiling) will have just the perfect medium to do that. Cycling will increase the life expectancy in Nigeria cos hypertensive heart disease is a major killer no thanks to junk food courtesy of the likes of KFC (I know they just came but they’re spreading like the plague dammit!).

4          For those of you that feel you’ve really not done anything to help mother earth. Here is a chance to feel relevant. It’s still bicycle o. But think of the fact that you won’t be burning hydrocarbon fuels anymore. Think of the fact that you won’t be releasing green house gases. Think of your impact in salvaging the ozone layer and the fact that your children will reduce or maybe eradicate the curses they’ll place on this generation for doing so much damage to the ozone layer. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Get a bike TODAY!

5          The view! Oh my! The views I meant! My dear brethren, it is with gladness of heart I announce to you…*drums rolling*… the breath-taking, asthma-inducing, early morning booties! Yeah u read well… BOOTIES! Asses if you like. You’re gonna be blessed with some gracious views of them asses on the bike as u ride behind them (again, NOT SEXUAL). Morning is better cos they would have put in a lot to look their best (ladies I know y’all look in the mirror to confirm if that ass is gonna kill). Coming back from work, it ain’t gonna be looking so fresh anymore + you’ll be too tired to appreciate the goodness therein… except for some horny bastids of course.

6          P setting! P setting toh quality! When stuck in a little bike traffic and the babe beside you looks like it, go for it soldier! Ride by her side and set that P. You’ll be amazed at how many peeps you’d meet on the road while receiving the early morning fresh air. Bliss… that’s what it sounds like to me.

I’ m sure y’all get the crux of the matter. We don’t need fuel that much. We can cut down on that “golden fluid” and tell those idiats to stick their own pee sticks up their own asses we are survivors. *in Abacha’s voice*So fellow Nigerians, let the cycling begin!

I want to thank my colleagues @Dhamyhan 4 his wise contributions & @Kemmiiii for hosting me on her webspace. I look forward to more collabos (yet not sexual).

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What do you think?

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